Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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