In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
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