On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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