someone threw a dead crab at me
Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
