You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
