That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Randomize
