Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
