im holly from the hills drunk
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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