pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize