my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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