I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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