You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
