five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Randomize
