I got chris browned last night
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
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