i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
