A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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