so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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