i jhust puked up my retainher.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
