he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Damn victory sex feels great
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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