Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
