He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
