I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
