sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
