I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
