I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
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