Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize