I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Drunk is a universal language darling
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
