Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
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