He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
