When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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