as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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