Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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