her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Life is so much better after having sex.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
