So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
dude. I can hear the air.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
