i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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