no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
time to smoke my breakfast
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
