fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
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