I skipped work to stalk him.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
