There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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