My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
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