I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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