You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
