I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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