The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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