yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
