i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
