I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
