dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
She has the best kind of daddy issues
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
