Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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