I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
