I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Randomize
