How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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