Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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