Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
