I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
