well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
