I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
