I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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