My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
