Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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