Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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